1. 15
    Aug

    My Boyfriend is My Hero

    Last weekend was very hard for me. Much bad thing happens and blend into messy feeling. It actually started a week ago, or maybe long before that, when I had bad feeling to my boy. I love him, but I feel like everything became barrier for us. I have prayed to God, I asked God to show me what I’m supposed to do with him. I love him but I know I never can balance him. He is too handsome, too smart and too rich for me. So much different from my family. I’m ashamed of him. I know I’m too stupid for him. That’s why I was dilemma. Should I break him up or not. Neither because I didn’t love him nor I doubted his love for me. No, not because of that. But it’s all about my family and my entire life. I never can balance him. I’m not beautiful, I’m not smart, and I’m not rich. I’m afraid I can’t be a girl he can be proud of. I’m afraid he had high expectation that I can’t reach it. I don’t know what his expectation to me. I don’t know how I am look like in his eyes. Because he never said anything to me. He just said that he loves me. And then he told me his future dreams, so sad that he said nothing about me in his future plans. I still don’t know yet what is his plan for us. Us, not me and you. Us. He has not talked about it yet. I’m waiting for that time. Because it matters for me, it relates to my future as well. I already has future plans of course, but I want to include him on it. I believe there will be a time for that. I just have to be more patient, more than ever.

    Then this weekend came. When I was in the middle of a great dilemma, I decided to break my boy up. We had fight yesterday, because of my foolness. Then I thought it’s better for him to find another girl who can balance him. Not because I don’t love him, it’s because I don’t want to make him angry all the time because of me. I want to make him happy. Thought I’m not the person who can make it happens. So I decided to break him up. He just said “up to me”. I don’t know what that means. Did it mean he doesn’t care about me anymore? Or he left it up to me because he wants to make me feel better? Or what? I don’t know. I don’t know and I didn’t get the answer. Because just after I break him up, my dad and I got a trouble in police station. I was very confused at that time. I was so sad, I was so angry to everyone. And then I called my boy. He catched us up right after his office hour. Then he helped my dad and I find win-win solution with those people.

    After that, my family and my boy went my home and talked about another thing. Business. So my boy had a plan with his friend to have a business. The last 2 weeks they were looking for a land and thought what business they can make on it. My dad has 2000 m2 land in Bekasi. He planned to develop a cluster residence but facing budget constrained. My mom wanted my boy assist my dad to handle it, so my boy could take care my dad of everything. I agreed with my mom. So this morning my boy and his friend had conversation to my dad about their business proposal. And this noon we went to the land and I let my boy and his friend discussed about everything.

    My boy was my hero this weekend. I don’t know what could be happened if there is no my boy. This weekend means a lot to me. The most important part is my boy knows my family better. On one side, I’m happy. On the other hand, I’m ashamed. The more my boy know my family, the more my trauma show up. How if my boy loses his feeling to my family? How if he thinks my family is too stupid for him (which is maybe true)? How if he hates my family after everything? How if? How if? And how if? Well there are many questions in my head. I also ask God, what does everything mean? Why right after I decided to break him up, when I was so sure about my decision, God sent my boy to help resolving my family’s problem? What does that mean? At that time I feel like God showed me that my boy is the person whom I need the most right now. I prayed to God to make me sure what choice I have to choose. Is it the way God give me the answer? Is it the best answer? I’m always afraid of risk that I have to take. And guess what, I cancel my statement that I wanted to break up. I asked my boy about everything. And he’s a little angry because he thinks I doubt his love for me. Well in the fact not that thing I doubted. I doubted about how he looks my family. Again, it matters for me. I remember the last time I had a boy before now. We were almost married, but sadly we had to break up because of family things. I’m scared that thing will happen again with my recent boy. That is still a big question for me.


    So I thought about everything that happened in this weekend. I realized my boy and I are a lover. I doubted so much about our future. I’m too much afraid my past experienced will happen again. I’m scared I will be hurted again. I need my boy to calm me down. Everytime I asked whether he loves me or not, he’s got angry, he thought I doubt him. But actually not. Sometimes girls just need to listen “I love you” words romantically, directly from his boy. Just to make girls happy, and give more love to their boys. That’s all actually. Not because I doubt my boy’s love for me. I love him and I know he loves me as well. I just need him to say it. After everything, I have decided to give him more love. You see, only two days could make me change my mind. Last weekend was so mean to me. Only two days could make me sure what decision I have to choose. Make him more sure that I’m the best girl who will be his future wife. And of course, to make him love me more everyday. I love you, baby.

    ~ Cheers

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Hi people ! This is a place where I put my random thoughts. Feel free to put comments on my post, guys ! :D [http://ddiiamond.tumblr.com/theauthor]
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